Trauma: Bringing more awareness to S.A. & abuse by sharing a glimpse of my own lived experience

My Story

Trigger Warnings: mentions of abuse, sexual assault, depression, PTSD, underage drinking/alcohol use depicted in images

Originally, I was going to wait to share this project, until all of the photoshoots were completed to tell the full story. However, I decided that it would be better to share it in series. Starting with the trauma of being forced into an abusive relationship with someone I once trusted and viewed as a close friend prior to everything that had happened. This photoshoot displays what it was like on a frequent basis in the relationship. It lasted for several months.

Over a decade later, I'm still healing from the things that were done to me.

It has taken me so long to write this since doing the photoshoot, because I was unsure of how much I should share. I got caught up in the fact that people might read this. How it may be too much for anyone to read or if anyone would even believe my story. I finally found a therapist that specializes in trauma & cPTSD to help me heal from my past. She has helped me figure out how to use journaling in a way that helps me process my thoughts and feelings in the present. Yesterday, I found myself thinking, "why does it matter if anyone will believe my story?" It doesn't. I spent way too many years in my teens caring about whether or not anyone believed me, and it hurt my ability to process and heal to the point where I'd have memory loss and nightmares. I still struggle, but I'm no longer repressing those memories. I'm forcing myself to remember, write it down in my journal, and then talk to my therapist about it. It has been so freeing having someone there to tell you that you never deserved the things that were done to you, and that you have every right to feel the way that you do. I never had that before.

For the sake of making it easier to tell this story, we will just call him "S."

To keep things short and not share too much detail, I was forced into a sexually abusive relationship with someone who I had once considered a friend at the age of 17. S helped me escape a previous abusive relationship only to use my ex against me anytime he thought I might try to leave him by riling the ex-boyfriend up over text messages, so that my ex would get pissed at me, threaten my life and scare me into not wanting to be alone. There were times where the ex would try to ambush me in public places in an attempt to snatch me and take me back to his house where I wouldn't be able to leave, so I had very good reason (amongst others) to be scared of him. After blocking his number, he would download texting apps so that he could continue to harass and threaten me. I didn't have a loving family or friends to protect me. My father was a lowlife criminal and a drunk; my older brother hated me. The rest of my family just didn't care to be in my life. I was alone. I had no idea how to get out of the situation I ended up in.

The relationship with S lasted for several months. He frequently forced himself on me. I kept telling myself that it was better than being locked in a house I would never be able to escape again where I would be abused anyways. For a short while, I became very self-destructive. Getting drunk at college parties several times a week to stay numb and hopefully not remember anything. The relationship ended when S drunkenly bragged to one of his friends at a party about some of the things he had put me through which ended in him getting his ass beat by said friend and then getting dumped on my front doorsteps. I was able to break up with him in front of everyone and finally end things.

However, he did continue to harass and stalk me for months. He also informed my first ex that I was no longer with him hoping it would scare me back into a relationship with him. It did not. When I tried to focus on myself and work towards bettering my life, he cornered me at the park in front of our high school, where I started training myself for running, and attempted to sexually assault me in the parking lot. I stopped attending school after that. I reached out to my mother whom I hadn't heard from in several years and sent a long email explaining that I needed to leave and start fresh somewhere safer. She made me wait until the school year ended thinking that that would force me to attend school again, but I didn't go back.

A few months later, I packed up what little I owned and moved in with my mother in Florida. Two weeks into being there, I got a message on Facebook from the first ex saying that he happened to be visiting Florida soon and that he would find me. I sent his mother screenshots of the threats he sent me and argued with her about it; she eventually said she'd make sure he didn't go anywhere near me and that they were staying at an Airbnb on the other coast. I rightfully didn't trust her because a few days into them visiting Florida, he texted me saying that I was lucky I was out on a boat the day he was in town and all the things he had planned on doing to me. I don't know how he knew exactly where I was, but it left me paranoid for several days until his mother finally texted me that they were back in Oklahoma.

I managed to make up the credits I missed during the months I had refused to attend school my senior year and graduated on time. I didn't bother making new friends my final year. Just kept my head down and worked hard to change my life around.

I hate that I ran away to another state, but I'm glad I was able to start over and truly get to experience life outside of a toxic environment. I wish I had gotten help from a therapist as a teen, because I was so easily triggered by things back then and didn't understand why I would get upset. I had no one to talk to that I could trust. Every time I attempted to open up to the wrong person, they usually twisted my words, tried to convince me that it wasn't as bad as I claimed it to be, accused me of making things up, said that I was crazy, or made the conversation about them and how they couldn't be there for me because they had their own life to deal with.

I'm no longer in contact with anyone from my past. I am much happier now and grateful for the people I have in my life. People who love and understand me. It still surprises me every day how my life has turned out. That not only did I live long enough to graduate high school, but I'm going to be celebrating my 30th birthday next year.